SEAN: It was Liam and Debra's 20th wedding anniversary.
And as everyone knows, the traditional gift for this milestone
is china.
A samurai sword?
Happy anniversary, Mam.
If I know women like I think I know women, she loves it.
That's not what they mean by china, idiot.
Better than your stupid plate.
(CHUCKLES) You told her, idiot.
Well, it's the thought that counts. Thanks, love.
(KISSES)
I got you something a bit more fitting for your weekend away, Deb.
And I got you a size too big. For wandering hands.
Sweet Jesus.
I love it, but knowing Liam, he'll have me out of it fairly sharpish.
Don't worry about that. I left the tags on.
Ya can exchange it for leggings when ya get back.
Great, I actually need new leggings.
Merciful hour! Right, if we hit the road now,
we can drop Martin in Dublin and be in the sunny Southeast by nine.
The "sunny Southeast"?
Oh, it's like Africa down there, buddy.
Thanks a million for staying for the weekend, Lind.
Have you everything you need?
We'll be grand girls, won't we? (CLICKS TONGUE)
My new roomies will show me the ropes.
Wish I had a rope.
It's weird she didn't ask you where you got a samurai sword, though.
How come Martin gets to stay in Dublin with Uncle Danny?
Well, Moone men are in a minority round here,
and we thought it was time for Martin to bond with his uncle,
just two fellas getting to know each other by themselves.
- (KNOCKING) - Hiya, lads!
I've a full stomach and an empty bladder.
Let's see what the aul Renault can do on the open road.
Oh, now there's a pleased lady.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
# Dancing at the disco, bumper to bumper
# Wait a minute, where's me jumper?
# Where's me jumper, where's me jumper?
Oh, no #
So you're goin' on a second honeymoon?
Aw. Hmm.
Won't be as good as the first time, though,
when she was 20 years younger, huh, Liam?
(SIGHS) Don't worry, love. You've still got it.
Well, I've certainly got some of it.
You brought your geography book?
I thought I'd do a bit of revisin' on the road. Learn a bit about Dublin.
Learnin'? Not on my watch!
My book, my precious book.
Padraic, this is three whole days we can forget about bloody books.
We already know our geography.
We're going to Dublin! The Windy City of Angels! Tinker's Tinsel Town!
(PARODY OF WHERE THE STREETS HA VE NO NAME PLAYING)
MARTIN: # I wanna run down the Champs-Elysees
# I wanna see Disneyland on Sunday
# We'll visit Big Ben And the Taj Mahal
BOTH: # Where the streets do have names #
I'm not sure Big Ben is in Dublin.
I think you're wrong there, but we'll get some brochures at the pyramids.
Oh, yeah.
They must just be gone for petrol or something.
Can't imagine they'd just leave us. (CHUCKLING) We're the best ones!
Oh, you're heading off are you? All right.
I'll just wait here alone.
I'm better than this.
(INSECT BUZZING)
Wow. This is cool. I think.
Where are our beds, Uncle Danny?
Ye're sittin' on it. Who wants milk?
Milk? I have cows at home.
No, this is Dublin milk. It probably comes from buses or some shit.
Sorry, lads, I've no glasses.
No bother, I'm well used to drinking jam.
Listen, boys, we are gonna have a fun weekend, that I guarantee,
but I am gonna have to work in the morning.
Oh. Are you doing music things?
No, no. I'm really only a music man on the minimum, Marty.
Don't want to be a slave to the tunes, ya know.
- Oh, I do know. - (PHONE RINGING)
I buy, I sell, I keep my fingers in a beaucoup of pies.
- Are you double-jointed? - (PHONE CONTINUES TO RING)
A keen heart and nimble fingers will unlock any door, little fella.
I feel like I should be writing this stuff down.
Yeah. He's very enigmatic for someone who doesn't own drinking glasses.
Danny Moone ici.
Ooh, espaņol!
Thing is Bono, I'm still waiting on last week's money, so...
Bono, Bono, Bono, you tell Larry if he wants a hand with his drums,
he's gonna have to cough up the ching ching pronto, ya know what I mean?
All right. Cheerio, Bono.
(SIGHS)
Was that Bono from U2?
No, different Bono.
He's a mate I helped empty some sewage drums into the Liffey last week.
Bono's a very common name in Dublin, you know.
- MARTIN: Oh. - Oh, I didn't know that.
Listen boys, we better get some shuteye. Early mornings are a ripe selling slot.
What do you sell exactly?
Knowledge. I sell knowledge.
G'night, little men.
It's like livin' with the Riddler.
What a night! We haven't done it like that for ages.
I know! It just went on and on, it was like we were teenagers.
Blew the cobwebs off all right.
Yup, it really was a really great sleep.
Oh, we should have sex at some stage.
- Oh, yeah, sure we have all weekend. - Ah, yeah.
The Encyclopaedia Irelandica!
It's big, isn't it?
Big. And powerful.
That's quite a combination, Daniel.
Knowledge is power, Mrs Dunphy.
(SIGHS)
And in my hands right now, I'm holding
the greatest information resource the world will ever see.
Your hands must be very strong.
Probably from opening all those flippin' jam jars.
Hey, do you recognise yer one over there? The yuppie lookin' one.
Who?
Isn't it Sheila something? From our old school.
She moved away, I think. Did you know her at all?
Sharon Morgan?
Jesus, yeah. I knew her well.
You knew her well?
I mean, er, not "well". Just "well".
Oh. When was all this wellness?
Liam? Is that you? (CHUCKLES)
Liam Moone!
The very man.
Well, there was a treat for my eyes.
Before we met. Well before we met.
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)
Quickly, quickly, quickly. The whistle's gone.
Why d'ya have to move away, Sharon? Why is the world doing this to us?
Shh. Remember, Liam, I will always be here.
- So you're not going away? - Huh? No, I meant your heart.
Stupid heart! Always getting in the bloody way of things.
We can't fight destiny, Liam. We must learn to love again. Somehow.
But I don't think I can!
Sharon!
Hiya.
Hey. I'm Liam, you're nice lookin'.
Talk about a blast from the past, guys. (CHUCKLES)
It's such a treat to see ya, both.
You too, Sharon! Er, what are you up to these days? Are ya still over in London?
Yeah, yeah. I'm, erm... I'm an entrepreneur now.
It's a French word.
I own my own business. You've probably heard of it, actually. Body Margarine?
Is it like body butter?
Yeah. It's similar, Debra, yeah, but, erm... But cheaper.
Oh.
So what are ya doing over here?
I'm giving a master class on how to be a successful businesswoman in the '90s.
Ya know, just givin' something back.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
- Energise. Synergise. Super size. - (TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)
Think like a fox. Outside the box.
Be applied. Be a ride. Be bonafide. It's the law, bitches.
In-source. Outsource. Workforce.
Take charge.
(MUSIC STOPS)
Use Body Marge!
Well, it looks affordable.
Oh, stop. Debra, I hate it. I'm trying to revamp the whole design.
You know, really bring it up to 1992.
You know, Liam's really good at logos and things like that.
Oh yeah. I forgot you were a talented bastard.
Stop.
Do you wanna, erm...
Do you wanna throw some ideas at me, hon?
I suppose I could give it a go.
I bet ya bloody could.
Right. Well, I'd better scoot. I've got a yoga class.
But I'll catch you guys later.
- Yoga? - You haven't heard of yoga?
What, like, the bear?
(LAUGHING)
You're too funny. Not Yogi. Yoga. It's a Japanese form
where you elongate your limbs and your muscles to find inner peace.
Yeah, I think I saw something on Tomorrow's World.
I must try it some time.
Well, make that sometime now, hon.
And don't worry, all ages are welcome.
(EXHALING SHARPLY) Well, well, well.
(SCOFFS)
Er...
Well I...
Hey there, book fella! My wife bought this book by mistake.
- We want our money back. - Sorry pal. No refunds.
Hey, don't call me pal, the name's Bono.
BOTH: Bono?
- Different Bono. - BOTH: Oh.
You seduced me wife. You seduced her into buying a book!
Hiya, Danny!
Oh, hi, Ali!
Hello.
Don't push it, book man. I'm pretty close to the edge.
BOTH: The Edge?
The old yoga's doing you wonders, Ali.
Great girl.
I'll give you your book!
(GROANING)
Wow! Inner city crime! We're not even in Harlem yet!
Get in there.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
SEAN: Not to be outdone by Sharon, Debra bravely embarked on a yoga class,
and was really starting to enjoy this china anniversary of hers.
This is wonderful!
Shh! No talkin' during the downward dog, hon.
Of course, the thing about china is that it's really quite delicate.
- Oh, Jesus... - SEAN: Oh, God.
Oh, me hip. Oh, me feckin' hip. Oh!
Man down!
Flippin' hell. No one's gonna buy an encyclopaedia from me looking like this.
That's true. We may as well just catch the aul dolphin show at SeaWorld!
I'm so screwed, lads. That was the only sale I made last week.
If I don't flog some facts before Monday, they're gonna fire me.
No uncle of mine is gonna be out on the street, Danny.
Because this is the city where the streets do have names!
And the name of this street is "We're Here to Help"...
...Street.
Wait, are we selling books now?
(PHONE RINGING)
Dublin, County Dublin, so good they named it twice!
- You're back! - We are, indeed.
I was getting worried.
We thought we'd get a teatime sale in, but everybody seemed to be out.
Well, they don't call it the "city that rarely sleeps" for nothin'.
Never mind, Martin, at least ye gave it a go.
Oh, we're not finished, we just came back for more books.
- Ye sold out? - Like Santa advertising Coke!
Martin, they're givin' out prizes for selling books!
What kind of prizes?
What are your two favourite words that when put together
mean something even better?
- A chocolate fountain? - Second favourite?
A flippin' speedboat?
Listen lads, thanks so much for helping me out today,
I promise we'll do something fun tomorrow.
Tomorrow? (SCOFFS) We're working tomorrow.
What are ya talkin' about?
We've got a chocolate fountain to win!
- Speedboat. - We've got a speedboat to win.
Right, I'm off.
(BURPS) Ya sure you don't want to come with me, Trisha?
Always room for young blood on a manhunt.
No. I've got period pains.
Oh, gotcha.
Speaking of which, has anyone seen my, erm, medicine?
What does it look like?
They're these little pills, maybe 21 of them,
days of the week written next to each one. No?
I suppose I'll roll the dice, then. Night, girls. Don't wait up.
Right, I'm going down the bridge.
(SEAN SIGHS)
Why are we always the ones left behind? We're the best ones!
Shall we paint our toes now? Do you want to do that? Would that be weird...
You're just gonna go? All right. I'll just stay here.
Oh, the breeze has really picked up. Aw, it's going right through me.
That's nice and snuggly now.
You have your flask there as well.
Oh, yeah, yeah, that'll do nicely.
Oh, Jesus.
Yes! Whoo!
Oh, hey, guys!
What's a hip-happenin'?
Well, Deb's hip's not happenin' so...
Oh, Debs. I feel terrible. All these years and I've never had a yoga injury,
but I guess I'm just really bendy.
(LAUGHS FORCEFULLY)
Oh, there's Marcus. Marcus! Marcus! Marcus!
You're a feckin' loon!
That's Marcus, ah.
Yeah, we were at a rave last night. He's a feckin' loon,
- do you know what I mean? - Absolutely.
Actually, I'm having a come-down rave in my room tonight,
if ya fancy coming along?
Oh. Sounds fun! Sure, we'll come down too, then,
- from our room. - (LAUGHING)
OK. Coolio, babe. Well, I best keep blading. Clear the head.
Trip her, Liam. Trip her.
How are ya?
There are more rashers on the way there now, Keith.
I bet you've built up an appetite,
(SOFTLY) you vigourous bastard.
Wait, why do we even have suits with us?
Oh, we were hoping to catch a show on Broadway.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
The Encyclopaedia Irelandica is the greatest information resource
the world will ever see.
BOTH: Fact!
You poor lads. My da made me work when I was your age too.
And if I complained, he just gave me a feckin' belt.
Are your da's like that?
Dad gave me a belt on my birthday.
I bet he did. The big brute.
(SIGHS)
(WHISPERS) I think it's snakeskin.
Sorry, lads. I'm just not interested.
Wait, please. Erm, a man stole our shoes.
We have no shoes?
- All right, so. - (BUZZES)
We need one more sale, but we don't have much time left.
We need to find someone who has a respect for the brand,
but for some reason doesn't own an encyclopaedia.
Well, hello there, beautiful... Oh.
My God, your skin is soft.
Thanks. I use Body Marge.
So, is Bono in?
No, he's gone out with his friend Adam.
Lovely, throw on the kettle there.
Oh, two storeys!
Put us on the board!
What? Ye sold them all?
Like candy to a cash-rich baby!
We may have come here in a car of rust, but we're leaving in a boat of speed.
Put us on the flippin' board!
So the ice numbs my ear, and then you disinfect it with the vodka?
No. That's to keep my hand steady.
I don't know about this.
Do it! Sinead! Do it! C'mon, we've all done it! We've all done it!
- (SCREAMS) Ow, my ear! Stop. Ow! - Oh, for...
Stop! Ow! That hurts my ear. Ow!
What have I become? I need to go hang with my homies.
Oh my God! (SCREAMS) Stop, stop!
You're grand.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, cowboy!
What are you doing?
(CHUCKLES)
Straight into the canapes, Liamo? It's a wonder you stay so buff.
Ha! Just a bit peckish, Sharon.
Your anniversary weekend duties left ya famished, did they?
- (LAUGHS) - No. Just... Buffet was closed.
(LAUGHING)
So, uh, where's Maude?
Oh, she's just taking a little nap.
You're too much for her, Liamo. Ya have her tied to that bed.
- Yeah, something like that. - (LAUGHS)
Actually. I was hopin' to have a chat with ya anyway.
Well, if you want me alone, I'm goin' skinny dipping later.
Skinny dipping? Outside?
Nothing I haven't seen before. I'm sure, like the rest of you, it's aged well.
Like a fine wine.
(CHUCKLES) More like a wheel of old cheese.
I'll wheel your old cheese.
What?
So, let's see have a look at these logos.
Sorry, I don't suppose you've any painkillers, do ya?
Painkillers? (SCOFFS) Yeah, that's what I like to call them too.
I just need something to ease the aul hip.
(LAUGHS) Here. These'll ease you nicely, love.
Great, thanks a million. Very happy chap.
These are pretty good, Liam.
They're just illustrations really, but you can imagine what...
I can imagine a lot of bloody things. Yes, I can.
With you. And your big, stupid arty hands.
Stop being flirty.
(SCOFFS) Flirty? Where you getting that from?
I'm getting it from you.
I mean, it's lovely to see ya an' all, but the whole Joan Collins thing...
- One of my personal heroes, actually. - I don't doubt it.
I think you are just not used to strong, confident women.
It is raining strong, confident women in my house.
But you are like a fanny tsunami!
- Right. - I'm sorry, it's just all too much.
No, no, don't be silly, it's fine.
It's fine. Like I said, Liam, these are, er...
These are pretty good.
But they're Boyle good. They're not London good.
I'm feeling it now meself, I think. The sea air. It's hittin' me!
There she is, the old ball and chain, rolling around.
Hiya!
- What did she think? - It doesn't matter. Let's just go.
- (TURNS MUSIC OFF) - (PARTYGOERS GASP)
What's up? Music too young for ya?
Firstly, you're forty-feckin-three!
MAN: That's old. WOMAN: Oh, my God!
Secondly, you wouldn't know a good logo if it kicked you in your downward dog!
And thirdly, I feel feckin' amazing right now!
I think I'll, er, wheel out my old cheese.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm 39. Was the music always this loud?
- Well that was... - Brilliant! Wasn't it brilliant?
What a lovely bunch of people! Why do we never listen to dance music?
I could stick Garth Brooks on when we...
I'd love that. I'd love that! And I love you, ya big lug!
Twenty years together and I have never loved you more, Liam.
Do you want to stay up all night and talk about my feelings?
No, I want to get you to bed and spoon the flip outta ya.
(ENGINE WHIRRING)
DANNY: Wow! (LAUGHING)
Do ya want a go, lads?
I think that adrenalin hit might push me over the edge.
Nah, you stay here and have your fun. We're gonna head off home.
All right, see ya, lads! Thank you!
Hey! Hey, I made it!
Whoo! Whoa! Hitchhiking is tricky when you're invisible.
Did you get your ears pierced?
Yes, I did shave my legs. Thank you.
No, I said did you get your ears pierced?
So, what are we doing next?
C'mon, Martin, Route 66 closes at five, so...
Whoa! We're going home already?
Back to good old Boyle! The town that sleeps the normal amount.
I had to do some really weird stuff to get a lift.
Ugh!
Achtung, baby!